I’m sure the first thing that entered your mind when you woke on this glorious sunny day was; what is life actually like in the Wavelength Office? You probably asked yourself questions; like is it a nice place to work? What are the facilities like? And, do the nearby restaurants serve fine yet inexpensive cuisine? To answer these I have helpfully drawn up a list of things for you.
1. TOILETS
The facilities here are second to none. We have a gents complete with two urinals facing away from each other (which eliminates peeking!) and there is a regular sit down toilet if jobs are needed. I haven’t been inside the ladies lavatory yet. I may sneak in there later this evening
2. PARKING
Parking here is just awesome! We have a car park where, every day I genuinely look forward to parking my black Mazda Bongo in. There’s enough space for at least 13 cars.
3. LIGHT / VENTILATION/ HEATING
Neither of these are really our offices’ greatest strength. We have two small windows which are shaded heavily by trees and foliage. Ventilation is poor and provided only by said windows (rarely opened because of lack of heating) a fire escape and a small gap at the bottom of the door. Heating comes in the form of a small and smelly electrical heater which often puts everyone on tender hooks for fear of fire.
4. COMPUTERS
I don’t like to go near other men’s so I shall describe mine; it is a PC, it’s slow and is decorated with a picture of my wife and I on our wedding day, a 1 dollar bill, some Royal Gala stickers and a Polaroid of Jason Feast! I don’t like my computer; he is the bane of my so called life.
5. SURFING MAGAZINES
The Wavelength office has, over the years become a dumping ground for all of our surfing magazines. Every time one of us moves house / has a clear out / spring clean, the next day this person will bring their entire collection of magazines in to make more room at home. These days they all sit behind our designer James in a splendid shelf. They are all boring.
6. DOUGHNUT
The doughnut isn’t a permanent fixture. It was given to us by the lovely lady next door just moments after I finished my lunch. I am currently dieting and do not need the doughnut. It’s a delicious-looking custard one, but as they say ‘a moment on the lips = a life time on the hips!' I do not want the doughnut. NOT FOR ME. NO DOUGHNUT. It takes a phenomenal amount of willpower to diet like this but I feel better for it and the weight is dropping off. So I ask myself why, just 26 seconds ago did I accidentally bite the thing? I didn’t even want it. I’m dieting.
7. BIG DUDE OCCASIONALLY IN THE KITCHEN
Greg knows all about the big dude who’s occasionally in the kitchen. Not too long ago Greg was making a cup of tea in the kitchen, absentmindedly singing the incredible New York by Paloma Faith to himself, when he realised he wasn’t alone! He turned around to see the big dude who’s occasionally in the kitchen, standing in the door way! He had presumably been there for quite some time and, according to Greg, was so big he filled the entire door frame!
8. GROSSNESS!
Home economics was never my strongest subject at school – nor was it for any of the other members of the Wavelength team. And who cares? Home Economics is for girls and sissies! Because of our combined lack of knowledge in this subject, only a basic, basic level of food hygiene is adhered to in this office, which consequently means cups with green nastiness in and plates which remain unwashed for days, even weeks on end. The other day I opened the fridge and a cup of off milk fell out. Its contents spilled all over the floor and I couldn't help but marvel how much it looked like scrambled eggs.
9. RECYCLING
There are no recycling facilities in this office, which means we, along with the other users of this building are not very green. Everyone keeps leaving the kitchen light on, too.
I’ll end it here because I know you probably stopped reading this post 10 minutes ago.
Selway
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